...therefore I am
I think it's due time that a spent a little serious introspection time on myself here on this blog. Looking back on my life I like to think that I take pride in myself and my actions.
I think that on the outside my life seems right. Some people look up to me. I'm moderately successful, a number of people (coworkers, family, strangers, customers) value my insights and opinions.
I have had a very wide range of opportunities that I've taken and some that I've passed on. Most of these experiences have taught many things. How to enjoy life, how to tackle adversity, how to value family, and many other numerous things.
With all this positive input from so many various sources I'd be happier.
I mean we all choose to be happy or unhappy but where and how does one find happiness. For some it's the way they look, for others its the quality time spent doing things for themselves, for some it's instant gratification (shopping, drugs, food, sex, whatever).
I have two wonderful children. I have family that loves me. I have the respect of my peer group. I'm still not that happy.
I've chased happiness for years and it still seems illusive and just beyond my "grip". For those of you that know me my life is pretty much an open book. I talk about almost anything on almost every subject on planet Earth. I do not profess to be an "expert" in hardly anything, but I do have a large amount of trivia and minutiae up my sleeve, and for everything else I have the gift of gab to fight through it or convince you I'm right.
I'm still not that happy. I know that most of you know that I was involved with another women for many many years and that that relationship is over but I just couldn't seem to let go. I find it hard to let go of things that I cherish. Maybe this is why I'm a pack rat and I just can't release things that I actually "own" and "control". Maybe my problems are pathological or psychological (I get those mixed up)
I know for a fact that I derive a large amount of pleasure from the affection of my mate/significant other/spouse/girlfriend. Is this wrong? Maybe but it is how I'm wired. I think the real root of my issue is not that I feel alone and bereft of love and affection but the fact that at a fundamental level I've been "rejected" by someone I care deeply about.
That relationship is truly over and I really, really need to let it go. It's very hard for me but I think I really understand that now. I made some mistakes, we all do. I think that biggest mistake to date has been that I just don't know when to quit or let go.
[note to self] let it go.
For those are just dying to know. I AM NOT PERFECT. I MAKE MISTAKES. I will continue to MAKE MISTAKES.
What does it mean to pine away for someone anyway? Would I take her back if she asked me to today? Yes I would. Let's be honest she is the mother of my children. I do love her. I miss her dearly. Was she the right women for me? I don't think you can really know that. Where we meant for each other? I can't be sure. Was our relationship good for each other, probably not. Does that really matter to me? No.
Now the real question? Am I really moving on? YES!
I have to do this for me. I'm tired of crying about what I've lost and I need to focus on what I have now and what I have to offer someone else.
Things that I have to offer:
Seriously I'm not a bad guy once you get to know me.
Note to self: Pay my water bill
Posted by Jeff Estes wishing you would subscribe to my blog and sponsor my lunch breaks.
I think that on the outside my life seems right. Some people look up to me. I'm moderately successful, a number of people (coworkers, family, strangers, customers) value my insights and opinions.
I have had a very wide range of opportunities that I've taken and some that I've passed on. Most of these experiences have taught many things. How to enjoy life, how to tackle adversity, how to value family, and many other numerous things.
With all this positive input from so many various sources I'd be happier.
I mean we all choose to be happy or unhappy but where and how does one find happiness. For some it's the way they look, for others its the quality time spent doing things for themselves, for some it's instant gratification (shopping, drugs, food, sex, whatever).
I have two wonderful children. I have family that loves me. I have the respect of my peer group. I'm still not that happy.
I've chased happiness for years and it still seems illusive and just beyond my "grip". For those of you that know me my life is pretty much an open book. I talk about almost anything on almost every subject on planet Earth. I do not profess to be an "expert" in hardly anything, but I do have a large amount of trivia and minutiae up my sleeve, and for everything else I have the gift of gab to fight through it or convince you I'm right.
I'm still not that happy. I know that most of you know that I was involved with another women for many many years and that that relationship is over but I just couldn't seem to let go. I find it hard to let go of things that I cherish. Maybe this is why I'm a pack rat and I just can't release things that I actually "own" and "control". Maybe my problems are pathological or psychological (I get those mixed up)
I know for a fact that I derive a large amount of pleasure from the affection of my mate/significant other/spouse/girlfriend. Is this wrong? Maybe but it is how I'm wired. I think the real root of my issue is not that I feel alone and bereft of love and affection but the fact that at a fundamental level I've been "rejected" by someone I care deeply about.
That relationship is truly over and I really, really need to let it go. It's very hard for me but I think I really understand that now. I made some mistakes, we all do. I think that biggest mistake to date has been that I just don't know when to quit or let go.
[note to self] let it go.
For those are just dying to know. I AM NOT PERFECT. I MAKE MISTAKES. I will continue to MAKE MISTAKES.
What does it mean to pine away for someone anyway? Would I take her back if she asked me to today? Yes I would. Let's be honest she is the mother of my children. I do love her. I miss her dearly. Was she the right women for me? I don't think you can really know that. Where we meant for each other? I can't be sure. Was our relationship good for each other, probably not. Does that really matter to me? No.
Now the real question? Am I really moving on? YES!
I have to do this for me. I'm tired of crying about what I've lost and I need to focus on what I have now and what I have to offer someone else.
Things that I have to offer:
- A messy house (seriously my place is a grade A fucked up mess)
- About 9 computers in various states of near death.
- A huge debt that I still owe from my 1st wife.
- Lots of emotional baggage.
- A slightly used and paunchy cat.
- A veritable treasure trove of Trivia.
- A great sense of humor.
- A man with a good enough job and the ability to stay valuable and gainfully employed.
- The beginnings of a retirement.
- Arkansas 16th most dysfunctional family on my mothers side.
- A paid Napster subscription.
- A decent collection of MP3's
- A movie buff that hasn't seen that many movies in the last decade.
- Did I mention my house cat is slightly neurotic?
- The back of an 80 year old man.
Seriously I'm not a bad guy once you get to know me.
Note to self: Pay my water bill
Posted by Jeff Estes wishing you would subscribe to my blog and sponsor my lunch breaks.
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